The Happy Hippy

The Happy Hippy

This is the ballad

of  the happy hippy,

who now leads a life

that's not so trippy.

He's traded in his

hemp shoes and socks,

for his weekend pair

of Birkenstocks.

His V.W. bus

is long put away.

He drives a "green" Subaru now,

day after day.

And that really bright

spotted tie dye?

He's traded that in

for suit and tie.

As for the round wire

John Lennon glasses.

He's got contacts now

and joined the masses.

His hair was once

a long pony tail,

but it's trimmed monthly now

without fail.

He never left home

without his colorful beads,

now it's his PDA

and cell phone that he needs.

All the Beatles music

he does still applaud,

but no longer vinyl

it's on his ipod.

It's ballroom now

not the disco dance,

and Tommy slacks

not bell-bottom pants.

And the handkerchief headband

is long long gone.

It's a visor now

when he gets his golf game on.

Yes, times have certainly changed

and with that he's fine.

He still says "goodbye"

and flashes the peace sign.



The Drive

The Drive

At all cost,

hope the keys are lost.

Lock the doors,

and sweat from your pores.

Buckle your belt,

to avoid bruise and welt.

Tighten your grip,

as your heart starts to skip.

Try not to shout,

as she backs the car out.

You'll turn white as a sheet,

when she starts down the street.

Of something else she's thinking,

and her blinkers sure not blinking.

As your blood rushes,

the gas pedal she crushes.

Will you meet your fate?

She's on the interstate.

Your blood pressure begins to rise,

as down the highway she flies.

The exit's ahead,

slow down or we're dead.

You have a fright,

as she runs a red light.

You're finally at the store,

you just can't take it anymore.

She cruises the lot,

looking for a spot.

"There's one!" she shout's with a grin.

She punches it and whips right in.

Hit the brakes,

for pity sakes!

Grandma's at the wheel!

Bait

Bait

You can use a small dry fly,

on a number two hook.

With good casting,

you can hit any hole in the brook.

A shiny new lure,

works great in a pond.

Of the red stripey ones,

I am rather fond.

Use a grasshopper,

when you're out on the lake.

If you're scared of a live one,

use one that's fake.

For deep sea fishing,

you use something called chum.

If you don't catch anything,

do not eat some.

A friend once claimed,

good luck with some Limburger cheese.

All I could say to that was,

"Oh for give me a please!"

But I have found,

all fish love to swaller,

a great big, fat and juicy-

night crawler!

Tool

Tool

It'll scrape old gum,

off the bottom of your shoe.

Oh, but that's not the only,

thing it will do.

It's a nice little screwdriver,

and can hammer small nails.

It's also great for digging out dirt,

under fingernails.

You can use it to pry,

off most any lid.

It's good for stirring mud-

just ask any kid.

I've used one several times,

to chip up ice,

and a banana's,

easy for it to slice.

Some people have used them,

to pick open locks,

And I always keep one,

in my tackle box.

I don't know how,

I'd live my life,

without having access-

to a butter knife!

Breakfast

Breakfast

It's a light golden brown,

and it's kind of sticky.

Keeping it off your chin,

is kinda tricky.

It's really rich and thick,

with a nice sweet flavor,

I keep some on my fingers,

for an afternoon snack to savor.

Pour it on your pancakes,

waffles or mashed potatoes,

but never, ever waste it,

on stewed tomatoes.

It's good in oatmeal,

and if you have grits you'll need it.

Pour a lot in your bowl,

so you can actually eat it!

On thing I learned is,

keep it out of your hair,

or you'll have to take a bath,

and wash everywhere.

So just as sure,

as a saddle has a stirrup,

for my breakfast,

I'm having maple syrup!

Brush, Floss, Swish

Brush, Floss, Swish

Betty Rush,

will not brush.

Johnny Ross,

will not floss.

Timmy Nish,

will not swish.

They all got,

some tooth rot,

and won't smile,

for a while.

Now this is sad,

but it's the truth.

The dentist pulled...

every tooth.

Stuff

Stuff

There's some string in here,
some twist ties and dead batteries,
Scotch tape, rubber bands,
and a bunch of mystery keys.

Here's an old butter knife,
a nail and eight screws,
and look, here's a pamphlet,
for an Alaskan cruise!

There's some pliers in here,
with a needle nose,
a red bush pruner,
and a washer for the hose.

Here's a green pencil,
with it's eraser gone,
a jar with six marbles,
and a black chess pawn.

Right here's a book of matches,
and a rumpled road map,
two thumbtacks, a yellow kazoo,
and a new mouse trap.

There's a candle in here,
to see in the dark,
some leather shoelaces,
and a torn bookmark.

You and I could sit here longer,
and name even more,
but you probably have the same stuff,
in your junk drawer!

Up High

Up High

I'm way up high on the top,

and the down slope is steep.

I fear if I slip, 

I will end below in a heap.

All the way up,

I was afraid of the climb.

Now there's no more turning back.

This is the time.

I hold on tight,

and sit right down,

then think of "Jack",

who broke his crown.

The summer breeze,

whistles in my ears.

I close my eyes,

and suppress my fears.

Now the ones behind,

start to shove.

I release my grip,

and zip from above.

I scream all the way down,

with my mouth open wide.

I hit the ground and race back.

Wow, I love this slide!

Dirty Gertie

Dirty Gertie

This is the story,

of a girl named Gertie,

and let me tell you,

that girl was dirty!

Her shoes were so full of dirt,

her feet barely fit.

Her pants were so stiff,

she couldn't bend to sit.

She would just stand there,

or lie right down.

She wouldn't bathe,

'cause she thought she'd drown. 

Her shirt was so filthy,

you couldn't tell what color it was,

and her hair was really tangled,

and full of moldy fuzz.

Not only was she dirty,

Gert really stunk,

she was often mistaken,

for a waterlogged skunk.

She would never wash up,

for lunch or dinner.

If she scrubbed her dirt off,

she'd be much thinner.

On the back of her neck,

there grew a flower.

It had been there months,

remember, Gert didn't shower.

It goes without saying,

that to her mother this was a pain.

But her mother solved the problem...

she left Gert out in the rain!

Bacon

Bacon

Heat, meat, heat.

Sizzle, gristle, sizzle.

Splat, fat, splat.

Wanna help?

I'm makin' bacon.

The Leprechaun

The Leprechaun

They say that all the luck,

is with the Irish,

so I went to Ireland,

to make a wish.

I went and asked a local man

how to do it.

He said, "Catch a leprechaun,

there's nothin' to it!"

I asked about finding

a four-leaf clover.

He said, "Oh no,

that fad's over."

Then I asked him

about the Blarney Stone.

He told me that myth

had long been outgrown.

I wondered where to find one.

"Are they on the map?"

"Oh no, you've got to build

a leprechaun trap."

I asked him if he could help,

he told me that he could,

we'd need rope, whiskey

a carrot and a pile of wood.

I went off

to get all of the stuff,

while the man took out

his pipe to puff.

I hurried back

with every little thing,

then he said

we'd also need my gold ring.

And then all of the rope,

he had me coil out,

put the carrot in the middle,

and then made me shout.

"To all the leprechauns,

in this great green land,

behold I give you

this gold ring from my hand."

I slipped the ring,

over the carrot root,

then made three circles around it

with my leather boot.

I surrounded it with some wood,

I'd got from a tree,

I went to pour on the whiskey,

he said, "Whoa, that's for me!"

I handed him the jug,

he took a great big swaller.

I asked what was next,

he gave me some words to holler.

After I shouted the magic words,

the leprechaun would appear.

I'd then jump in the pile,

and nab him by the ear!

I then shouted out,

with all my might,

the secret words,

as day turned to night.

"All hail the little people,

who are meek but wise,

they can appear to you,

in any disguise."

"They might show up

as a cat or sparrow,

they are sly and swift

as a flying arrow."

"They are keen and smart,

the brightest on the planet.

Come out now and please,

take my wish- and grant it."

I dove on the pile,
but a leprechaun there was not.
All the wood fell in on me,
and in the snare I was caught!

I felt the carrot,
the ring was gone!
And upon the pile,
the man jumped on!

He sang out loud with much glee,
"You've fallen for my curse!"
My ring gleamed on his finger,
and he had my coin purse.

He did a little jig
and he drank from the jug,
"Remember, my boy,
leprechaun's lie like a rug!"

I watched him dance away,
and on this you can bet,
my fondest wish was...
that we had never met.

Officer 55

Officer 55

Late in the night,

when the streets get dark,

the alley cats yowl,

and the stray dogs bark.

In the dark

there's much to fear.

There's danger lurking,

and trouble is here!

Behind the drugstore,

someone is breaking in!

The cop gets the call,

and makes his tires spin!

With lights flashing,

and siren blaring,

it's Officer 55!

He's oh so daring!

He jumps out of the car

and pulls his gun!

"Reach for the sky, pal!

Your day is done!"

"Oh, Officer 55,

you gave me quite a fright!

It's me, Pete the druggist,

locking up for the night."

"Well I knew that.

I was just seeing if you did.

Lock up tight,

and take good care, kid."

"Hurry, Officer 55!"

a man did shout.

"Come here quick,

we've had a break out!"

With siren blaring,

and lights flashing,

It's Officer 55!

He's oh so dashing!

He jumps out of the car,

and pulls his gun!

"Quick, Dick the vet!

Which way did he run!?"

"That bad, bad dog,

is a terrible beast!

I knew I should have

kept him better leashed!"

Well, even though

it wasn't on his beat,

Officer 55,

caught him with a dog treat.

A neighbor called the police,

about trouble at the school.

The cop hit the gas,

he didn't want a broken rule.

The lights flashed,

and the siren did scream,

it's Officer 55!

Oh, he's such a dream!

He jumps out of the car,

and pulls his gun,

Then hollers out loud,

"Get off the roof, son!"

The boy, way up high on the roof,

came climbing right down.

"Why were you up there?"

"Well, there's nothin' to do in this town."

"Well, from the law,

we just can't budge.

Please state your case,

to the city judge."

The policeman
had just one more mission,
before he could go home,
then go out fishin'.

With siren blaring,
and lights flashing,
it's Officer 55!
He's oh so smashing!

He slams on the brakes,
and jumps out of the car!
He goes in the store...
and buys a maple bar.

So sleep well at night,
and know you're alive,
all because of our friend...
Officer 55!

Hide and Seek

Hide And Seek

Hide And Seek

is a great game to play,

and a bunch of us

are playing today.

Hiding their eyes,

Pat is "it"

and will always be,

until we quit.

Lily and Rose

are hiding in the flowers.

Russel's in the bushes,

he could stay there for hours.

Hiding down in a hole,

is our friend Phil,

and crammed in the mailbox

is that crazy Bill.

Matt is crouching low by the door,

so he'll be easy to find.

But not Curt n' Rod,

they're hiding in the window blind.

Bob has a really great spot,
he's floating in the pool.
But Art is just standing against the wall,
the silly fool!

I'm in the bathroom

and find me, Pat will not.

My name is Stu,

and I'm hiding in the pot! 

Dodge Ball

Dodge Ball

Come one

and come all!

It's time for

dodge ball!

*WHIZ*

A close shave, Dave!

*SWOOSH*

A near miss, Chris!

*WHOOF*

A close call, Paul!

*ZING*

Oh good duck, Chuck!

*ZIP*

You're a good dodger, Roger!

***SHWAP***

Ooh! Right in the head, Ned!

Whale

Whale

I'm the mightiest

beast in the ocean.

I create tidal waves

with the smallest motion.

I can open my mouth

and swallow one thousand fish,

or sink a sail boat

with my tail if I wish.

I can spout a spout

five hundred feet high

and leap out of the sea,

it's easy as pie.

But I'm sad to say,

that I now find,

myself in quite

a bit of a bind.

I'm stuck in the sand

and feeling sickly and pale.

I tell you it's no fun-

being a beached whale.

Pirate

Pirate

I've wanted to be a pirate,

for my entire life.

I told my mom,

but she said it would just lead to strife.

"You'd have to cut off a leg,

and wear one of wood.

You wouldn't be able to run,

or play ball very good."

"You'd have to poke out your eye,

and wear a black patch.

You couldn't swing a bat very well,

and forget playing catch."

"You'd need to chop off your hand,

and put on a rusty hook."

You couldn't play football.

You could just stand there and look."

"Then you'd need a smelly parrot,

to ride your shoulder.

And you know you can't have a pet,

until you're much older.

"You'd have to live on a ship,

that was always on the ocean.

And remember how your stomach is,

with any rocking motion?"

"You'd never have to take a bath.

That wouldn't bother you.

But you'd have plenty of enemies,

and your friends would be few."

"Why have you wanted to be a pirate,

for your entire life?"

"Well you see mom,

I just really, really... want to eat with a knife."

Trouble Brewing

Trouble Brewing

Simmer four cups

of sneaking around.

Add some spying,

about one pound.

Get three sharp sticks,

and seven heavy rocks.

Mix them in with six pairs

of dirty socks.

Add one box of tacks,

and five rubber bands.

Stir in some firecrackers,

you'll need ten strands.

Hard to get,

but lots of fun,

are rotten eggs.

Add at least one.

A slingshot

enhances the flavor,

and super glue

is like a spice to savor!

Stir over medium heat,

'til it starts to bubble.

And that, my friend,

is how you make trouble! 

Paul

Paul

My Grandpa Skip,

likes chips and dip.

My Grandma Ellen,

likes watermelon.

My Aunt Betty,

likes spaghetti.

My Uncle Bert,

likes dessert.

My cousin Tony,

likes bologna.

My neighbor Ned,

likes french bread.

My mother Pam,

likes leg of lamb.

My dad Pete,

likes lunch meat.

My sister Lucille,

likes oatmeal.

But my brother Paul,

likes them all!

There's a Dragon In My Wagon

There's a Dragon In My Wagon

There's a dragon in my wagon,

and it's hard to pull.

It's a heavy load,

because my wagon's just so full.

There's a dragon in my wagon,

and a picnic lunch.

Forks, knives, glasses,

and a pitcher of punch.

There's a dragon in my wagon.

We also have sunscreen,

a picnic blanket,

and wipes to keep our hands clean.

There's a dragon in my wagon,

a volleyball and a net.

We're gonna have a good time

and on that, you can bet.

There's a dragon in my wagon.

We're off to the picnic ground!

And when people see my dragon...

I don't think anyone will stick around!

The Brick

The Brick

I'm just one brick,

and I'm pretty small.

But stack up lot's of us,

and you'll have yourself a wall!

Larry

Larry

A squeaky old hinge,

gives me a twinge.

A rusty old gate,

gives me a quiver I hate.

A creaky old stair,

gives me quite a scare.

A bump in the night,

really gives me a fright.

Wind through a shutter,

makes me shiver and shudder.

A spooky old door,

frightens me even more.

But nothing is near as scary,

as my cousin- "Lump-Nose" Larry!

Crackers

Crackers

I've got a frog in my throat,

and the cat's got my tongue.

There's bats in my belfry,

and I'm still so young!

I'm quiet as a mouse,

even though I want to monkey around.

But I'm too busy scratchin' fleas,

like an old blue tick hound!

I have a charlie horse in my leg,

and in my hair, a cow-lick.

There's butterflies in my belly,

and I think I'm gonna be sick!

There's a bee in my bonnet,

and my ducky-pond is just full of quackers.

I'm feeling kind of crabby.

Oh, why did I eat all those animal crackers!?