Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Dirty Gertie

Dirty Gertie

This is the story,
of a girl named Gertie,
and let me tell you,
that girl was dirty!

Her shoes were so full of dirt,
her feet barely fit.
Her pants were so stiff,
she couldn't bend to sit.

She would just stand there,
or lie right down.
She wouldn't bathe,
'cause she thought she'd drown. 

Her shirt was so filthy,
you couldn't tell what color it was,
and her hair was really tangled,
and full of moldy fuzz.

Not only was she dirty,
Gert really stunk,
she was often mistaken,
for a waterlogged skunk.

She would never wash up,
for lunch or dinner.
If she scrubbed her dirt off,
she'd be much thinner.

On the back of her neck,
there grew a flower.
It had been there months,
remember, Gert didn't shower.

It goes without saying,
that to her mother this was a pain.
But her mother solved the problem...
she left Gert out in the rain!



Heat, meat, heat.
Sizzle, gristle, sizzle.
Splat, fat, splat.

Wanna help?
I'm makin' bacon.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Leprechaun

The Leprechaun

They say that all the luck,
is with the Irish,
so I went to Ireland,
to make a wish.

I went and asked a local man
how to do it.
He said, "Catch a leprechaun,
there's nothin' to it!"

I asked about finding
a four-leaf clover.
He said, "Oh no,
that fad's over."

Then I asked him
about the Blarney Stone.
He told me that myth
had long been outgrown.

I wondered where to find one.
"Are they on the map?"
"Oh no, you've got to build
a leprechaun trap."

I asked him if he could help,
he told me that he could,
we'd need rope, whiskey
a carrot and a pile of wood.

I went off
to get all of the stuff,
while the man took out
his pipe to puff.

I hurried back
with every little thing,
then he said
we'd also need my gold ring.

And then all of the rope,
he had me coil out,
put the carrot in the middle,
and then made me shout.

"To all the leprechauns,
in this great green land,
behold I give you
this gold ring from my hand."

I slipped the ring,
over the carrot root,
then made three circles around it
with my leather boot.

I surrounded it with some wood,
I'd got from a tree,
I went to pour on the whiskey,
he said, "Whoa, that's for me!"

I handed him the jug,
he took a great big swaller.
I asked what was next,
he gave me some words to holler.

After I shouted the magic words,
the leprechaun would appear.
I'd then jump in the pile,
and nab him by the ear!

I then shouted out,
with all my might,
the secret words,
as day turned to night.

"All hail the little people,
who are meek but wise,
they can appear to you,
in any disguise."

"They might show up
as a cat or sparrow,
they are sly and swift
as a flying arrow."

"They are keen and smart,
the brightest on the planet.
Come out now and please,
take my wish- and grant it."

I dove on the pile,
but a leprechaun there was not.
All the wood fell in on me,
and in the snare I was caught!

I felt the carrot,
the ring was gone!
And upon the pile,
the man jumped on!

He sang out loud with much glee,
"You've fallen for my curse!"
My ring gleamed on his finger,
and he had my coin purse.

He did a little jig
and he drank from the jug,
"Remember, my boy,
leprechaun's lie like a rug!"

I watched him dance away,
and on this you can bet,
my fondest wish was...
that we had never met.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Officer 55

Officer 55

Late in the night,
when the streets get dark,
the alley cats yowl,
and the stray dogs bark.

In the dark
there's much to fear.
There's danger lurking,
and trouble is here!

Behind the drugstore,
someone is breaking in!
The cop gets the call,
and makes his tires spin!

With lights flashing,
and siren blaring,
it's Officer 55!
He's oh so daring!

He jumps out of the car
and pulls his gun!
"Reach for the sky, pal!
Your day is done!"

"Oh, Officer 55,
you gave me quite a fright!
It's me, Pete the druggist,
locking up for the night."

"Well I knew that.
I was just seeing if you did.
Lock up tight,
and take good care, kid."

"Hurry, Officer 55!"
a man did shout.
"Come here quick,
we've had a break out!"

With siren blaring,
and lights flashing,
It's Officer 55!
He's oh so dashing!

He jumps out of the car,
and pulls his gun!
"Quick, Dick the vet!
Which way did he run!?"

"That bad, bad dog,
is a terrible beast!
I knew I should have
kept him better leashed!"

Well, even though
it wasn't on his beat,
Officer 55,
caught him with a dog treat.

A neighbor called the police,
about trouble at the school.
The cop hit the gas,
he didn't want a broken rule.

The lights flashed,
and the siren did scream,
it's Officer 55!
Oh, he's such a dream!

He jumps out of the car,
and pulls his gun,
Then hollers out loud,
"Get off the roof, son!"

The boy, way up high on the roof,
came climbing right down.
"Why were you up there?"
"Well, there's nothin' to do in this town."

"Well, from the law,
we just can't budge.
Please state your case,
to the city judge."

The policeman
had just one more mission,
before he could go home,
then go out fishin'.

With siren blaring,
and lights flashing,
it's Officer 55!
He's oh so smashing!

He slams on the brakes,
and jumps out of the car!
He goes in the store...
and buys a maple bar.

So sleep well at night,
and know you're alive,
all because of our friend...
Officer 55!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Hide and Seek

Hide And Seek

Hide And Seek
is a great game to play,
and a bunch of us
are playing today.

Hiding their eyes,
Pat is "it"
and will always be,
until we quit.

Lily and Rose
are hiding in the flowers.
Russel's in the bushes,
he could stay there for hours.

Hiding down in a hole,
is our friend Phil,
and crammed in the mailbox
is that crazy Bill.

Matt is crouching low by the door,
so he'll be easy to find.
But not Curt n' Rod,
they're hiding in the window blind.

Bob has a really great spot,
he's floating in the pool.
But Art is just standing against the wall,
the silly fool!

I'm in the bathroom
and find me, Pat will not.
My name is Stu,
and I'm hiding in the pot! 

Dodge Ball

Dodge Ball

Come one
and come all!
It's time for
dodge ball!

A close shave, Dave!

A near miss, Chris!

A close call, Paul!

Oh good duck, Chuck!

You're a good dodger, Roger!

Ooh! Right in the head, Ned!



I'm the mightiest
beast in the ocean.
I create tidal waves
with the smallest motion.

I can open my mouth
and swallow one thousand fish,
or sink a sail boat
with my tail if I wish.

I can spout a spout
five hundred feet high
and leap out of the sea,
it's easy as pie.

But I'm sad to say,
that I now find,
myself in quite
a bit of a bind.

I'm stuck in the sand
and feeling sickly and pale.
I tell you it's no fun-
being a beached whale.