Sunday, March 17, 2013

Hero Headlines

Superman Buys New Home.  It's on Lois Lane.

Spiderman Facing Drug Charges. Caught With Mary Jane.

Peter Pan Tries Fast Food.  Loves Wendy's.

Batman Sees First Sign of Spring.  A Robin.

Incredible Hulk Advocates For Planet.  Goes Green.

Robin Hood Gets Stuck in Bathroom.  It was a Little John.

Han Solo Releases Own Brand of Bubble Gum.  It's Chewy.

Lone Ranger Invests In Precious Metal.  It's Silver.

Keebler Elves Hunted By Hounds.  Get Treed.

Jack The Giant Killer's Ex-Girlfriend Files Restraining Order. For Stalking.

Humpty Dumpty Loves Summer. Doesn't Look Forward To Fall.

Donald Duck Passes Out At Party. Got Slipped A Mickey.

Life Cereal Gets a Facebook Page.  Mikey Likes It.

Michelin Man Suffers From Insomnia.  He's Tired.

Julie Andrews Sink Backs Up.  Calls Christopher Plummer.

Forest Gump Sues Shrimping Boat Partner.  Lt. Dan Doesn't Have a Leg To Stand On.

Albert Einstien Uses Scientific Method To Trace His Heritage.  It's His Theory Of Relativity.

Pinnochio undergoes cosmetic surgery. Gets a Nose Job.

Aragorn and Arwin Announce Wedding Plans.  Frodo To Be Ringbearer.

Lance Armstrong Stripped of Cycling Titles for Cheating. What a Dope.

Wesley and Buttercup Can't Have Children.  Inconceivable.

Mr. T. Declares April 1st as National Empathy Day. He Pities The Fool.

Marshall Matt Dylan Has To Put Family Cat Down.  He Will Miss Kitty.

Popeye Fries Eggs In Butter Substitute.  Olive Oil.

Anne Shirley becomes pals with lingerie shop owner. They're bosom friends.

Kermit the Frog is Love Sick.  Has Swine Flu.

Little Red Riding Hood Snitches Goodies From Grandma's Basket.  Wolfs them down.

Blind Melon Fails at Dry Land Farming.  No Rain.

John Travolta Gets Stain On His Shirt.  It's Grease

Garth Brooks Visits Set Of Little People, Big World.  He's Got Friends In Low Places.

Charles Dickens Creates A New Dance.  It's The Oliver Twist.

Eddie Haskell Dies A Rich Man.  His Estate? He'll Leave It To Beaver.

Red Hot Chili Peppers Bankrupt And Homeless.  Living Under The Bridge Downtown.

I Have Some Rumors About Nirvana... Nevermind

Eminem.  Is He A Candy Rapper?

Milli Vanilli Washed Out.  They Blame It On The Rain.

In Final Interview General George Custer Proclaims: "I kill Indians... So Sioux Me."

Cheech and Chong Release Horticulture Book, "Weed; Your Garden"

 Hagrid Takes Up Making Mugs Out Of Clay.  He's A Hairy Potter.

Bill Clinton Trapped Inside Garage With Car Running. Rescuers Find Him Okay. He Didn't Inhale.

Paternity Test Proves Darth Vader Is The Father.  Forced To Pay Child Support.

Waldo Begins Zen Meditation.  Finds Himself.

Suicide Bomber Targets Olive Oil Factory.  Hoping For Extra Virgin.

Paparazzi Shows Up At Neverland.  Michael Jackson tells them to beat it.

Hannibal Lecter Shuns Clarice By Serving Her Leftovers.  Gives Her The Cold Shoulder.

Mr. Ed to Mr. Rogers: "Won't You Be My Neighhh-bor?"

Barney Fife Gives Aunt Bea A Gardening Tip: Nip It In The Bud.

Pilsbury Dough-Boy Attacked By Thugs. Get's Rolled.

Madonna Opens Fabric Store.  She's A Material Girl.

Mike Tyson Is An Incessant Talker.  He'll Chew Your Ear Off.

Dr. Seuss' Favorite Band?  The Who.

OJ Simpson Loses Isotoner Endorsement To Dan Marino.  The Gloves Didn't Fit.

Mark Antony To Vincent Van Gogh:  "Lend Me Your Ear".

Natalie Merchant Opens Massive Psychiatric Hospital.  It Will House 10,000 Maniacs.

Marilyn Monroe Involved In Sidewalk Explosion. Her Dress Blew Up In Her Face.

Hulk Hogan Comments On Recent Shirt Prices. "They're A Rip Off!"

The Song, "Do You Believe In Life After Love" Fails On Facebook.  No One Will Cher It.

Peter Gabriel Sells Pedro A Bike.  It's A Sledgehammer.

Bill Gates Is Retired And Bored.  He Just Sits And Stares Out His Windows.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Gets Good News From Oncologist. It's Not A Tumor.

Stevie Nicks Overwhelmingly Wins The Election.  It Was A Landslide.

Davy Crockett Hears A Rustle In The Bushes. It Was Georgie.

Toto Tinkles On The Sidewalk. Now It's A Yellow Brick Road.

Dustin Diamond Stops Suddenly... Screech!

Clarence Rutherford won't eat his oatmeal. It's Lumpy.

Tracy Chapman Likes Mario Andretti. He Has A Fast Car.

Time's Running Out, The Bronco's Are Ahead. Tebow, Of Course... Takes A Knee.

Howie Mandel Hates Germs. He's Mr. Clean.

Sigmund Freud Does His Laundry. Shrinks it all.

Oscar The Grouch Suspended From Sesame Street For Talking Too Much Trash.

The Wallflowers Get Pulled Over. One Headlight.

Police Secretary: "Officer Joe Friday, Do You Want All Of Your Messages?" "Just the fax ma'am."

Duran Duran Return Their Sweater.  It's Come Undone.

AC/DC Turn Their Finances Around. They Are Back In Black.

Snow Patrol's Dog Kenneled For Chasing Cars.

Aaron Carter, What Do You Want In Your Birthday Pinata? "I Want Candy!"

The Pretenders Commit Another Felony.  They're Back On The Chain Gang.

"Have A Nice Day, Bono." "You Too."

Louis Armstrong Undergoes Cataract Surgery.  He Can See Clearly Now.

Alaska Has A Great Recycling Program. Especially In Ketchikan.

Octomom Gets Government Job At Department Of Labor.

They Needed A Sketch Of The Suspect.  So Nancy Drew.

King George And His High Class Court Found The American Colonists Revolting.

Vanilla Ice Releases Greatest Hits Album. It's A Single.

Tears For Fears Fall Down The Stairs.  Go Head Over Heels.

Clint Eastwood To His Scheduling Agent, "Go Ahead, Make My Day."

Satisfied With The Food And Service, Arnold Schwarzenegger Tells The Restaurant Manager: "I'll Be Back."

Tom Petty Has Restless Leg Syndrome.  He's Running Down A Dream.

Sarah Palin Hosts Mid-Morning Get Together. It's A Tea Party.

Arnold Palmer Has To Buy New Shoes. He Got A Hole In One.

Fat Albert Died.  Planning The Funeral Will Be A Huge Undertaking.

Tigger Wrote A Check.  It Bounced.

Alanis Morissette Hangs Up From Customer Service And Says: "Thank You India".

Lieutenant Dan Could Not Go To The Concert.  There Was Standing Room Only.

Karl Marx Lies Abouts Contents Of Energy Drink.  It's A Bunch Of Red Bull.

Mahatma Ghandi Blessed My Burger.  Holy Cow.

The Pope Blessed My Cigarettes.  Holy Smokes.

George Thorogood Contracts Gangrene.  He's Bad To The Bone.

Bob Marley Continually Cited For Violation Of City Ordinance. He Can't Keep Off The Grass.

Paula Deen Heads For Speech Therapy. Not For Southern Drawl But For Racial Slur.

Quasimodo Punches Judge Frollo.  Rings His Bell.

Janet Jackson's Post Super Bowl Interview Was Very Revealing.

Chad Kroeger Asks For His Change. Gets A Nickel Back.

The Dream Police Woke Me Up Early.  What A Cheap Trick.

Twisted Sister Comments On Their Monthly Shower: "We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore!"

Maytag Man Fixes A Stove Top. He's Really In His Element.

John Elway Gets A Large Explosive Device.  It's A Long Bomb.

Jerry Rice Takes Up Scuba Diving.  Goes Deep.

Compelled To Pursue A Career In Communications, Alexander Graham Bell Answers The Call.

Before Eating An Oreo, Michael Jordan Dunks It.

Even After Sustaining Serious Injuries, Tony Stewart Vows To Return To Racing. He's That Driven.

Adam Decides To Change His Underwear.  Turns Over A New Leaf.

Kellogg's Elves Fall Into Trash Compactor.  Snap, Crackle, Pop.

Prepubescent, Long Haired Eddie Vedder To His Near-Sighted Father" "Don't Call Me Daughter."

The Doobie Brothers Move To The Next Step In Recycling Program.  They're Taking It To The Street.

Michael Phelps Wins Gold, After Gold, After Gold, After Gold... Sounds Like A Broken Record.

Billy Graham Reveals His Trick To Hold Up His Pants... It's The Bible Belt.

When Asked If He Was Too Sexy: "Right," Said Fred.

Johnny Cash Beats Field Sobriety Test.  He Walks The Line.

George Foreman Goes Back To School.  Hits The Books.

Dr. Scholls Walks the Straight And Narrow.  He Wants To Save His Sole.

Mary Lou Retton Wins Gold.  Flips Out.

Gary Coleman Doesn't Know What Willis Is Talking About.  He's Stumped.

Colonel Sanders Swerves At The Last Second.  Chickens Out.

Edward Snowden Sneaks Into His Neighbors Bathroom.  Takes A Leak.

Pat Sajak Calls Hooked On Phonics.  Buys A Vowel.

Tonya Harding Endorses Auto Accessory.  It's The Club.

Greg Louganis Loves '80's Metal.  He's A Real Headbanger.

Pinocchio Lies. Gepetto Knows It.

Pinocchio Enters A Horse Race. Wins By A Nose.

The Byrds Drive Towards A Cliff.  "Turn, turn, turn!!!"

Jeff Probst Doesn't Need A Flu Shot.  He Has Immunity.

"Homer Simpson, Bread Is Not Made From Batter." "Doh!"

Knight Rider Revues Napoleon Dynamite. Raves about Kip.

Lizzie Borden Hides The Murder Weapon.  Buries The Axe.

Pat Benatar To The Bartender: "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".

Oscar The Grouch Gets Mad.  Flips His Lid.

Robert Downy Jr. Presses His Clothes.  He's Iron Man.

The Culligan Man Is On The Cover Of GQ.  He's A Tall Drink Of Water.

As A Child Elton John Was Underdeveloped And In Ballet.  He Was A Tiny Dancer.

Goliath Blacks Out At Work.  He Was Stoned.

Bread Rises Quickly To The Top Of The Music Charts.

Twiggy's Chances Of Having A Successful Music Career Are Pretty Slim.

Jerome Bettis Utilizes Public Transit. Takes The Bus.

Kirby Vacuum Stocks Plummet.  That Sucks.

Noah's Car Won't Start.  He Flooded It.

Jimmy Hoffa Goes To Marriage Counselling.  He Wants A Better Union.

The Gordon Fisherman Goes Over His Books.  He's Pleased With His Net Profits.

Johnny Appleseed Heads Up Orchard Operations.  He's The Branch Manager.]

The Cranberries Refuse To Light A Match.  They Have To Let It Linger.

Rip Van Winkle Has Too Much To Drink.  Sleeps It Off.

Johnny Appleseed Inventories Orchards.  Uses Common Core.

The Invisible Man Is Outraged About Obamacare.  After Sitting In The Waiting Room 8 Hours- The Doctor Still Couldn't See Him.

Bob Segar Is Perfecting His Chess Game.  He's Working On His Knight Moves.

Micheal McDonald Needs To Take Notes.  He Keeps Forgetting.

Queen Elizabeth Has A Kink In Her Neck.  It's A Royal Pain.

The Pied Piper Showers Daily.  He's Clean As A Whistle.

Payton Manning Set To Retire In... Omaha!
Elvis Can't Open His Pop.  They're All Shook Up.

Bernie Sander's Advice.  It's Free.

If Hillary's Elected She'll Handle Policy.  Bill Will Handle The Interns.

Even Though Donald Trump Could Have Gotten A Free Haircut, He Still Decided Toupee.

Before Applicants Can Be Employed At Bill Cosby's Dating Service, They Must Pass A Drug Test.

The Donald Trump Action Figures Have Been Recalled.  The Parts Are Too Small.

John Mayer Searches The Lost And Found.  Something's Missing.

Father Laurence Opens An Olde English Boardwalk Seafood Stand.  He's A Fish Fryer.

Dave Matthews Wants To Irrigate His Garden.  He's Digging A Ditch.

Coldplay Contracted Jaundice.  They're All Yellow.