The Big Dance

The Big Dance

There's a big dance,

being held in town tonight.

I'm going to it,

and want everything right.

A very special lady,

I just might meet.

I need to look sharp,

and be light on my feet.

I pressed my best shirt,

and got the wrinkles out.

I slicked my dark hair back,

with oil of trout.

I matched my argyle socks,

and shined each shoe.

They glimmered as bright

as early morning dew.

I rolled the fuzzy lint,

off my blue blazer.

I shaved my face,

with my electric razor.

I put a Windsor knot,

in my bright red tie.

I dabbed on cologne,

what a sharp lookin' guy.

I showed up on time,

in very high style.

I walked inside,

people started to smile.

Actually they laughed.

I showed up at the dance,

I thought I was set…

but I forgot my pants!

Write It Right, Again

Write It Right, Again

It hurts to get taller,

so you groan cause you've grown.

After the queen pitches her chair,

she's thrown the throne.

If you drown in food coloring,

you die in dye.

When you wave from a ladder,

you say "hi" from high.

A boy lion's primary hair,

is his main mane.

An arrogant artery,

is a vein that's vain.

When a vaulter votes,

he takes his pole to the poll.

A baby horse that's done eating,

is a full foal.

Chopping your after dinner treats?

You mince your mints.

Evidence of the king's son?

The prints of the prince.

If you've canoed the highway,

you've rowed on the road.

If you dragged a reptile,

then you towed a toad.

If you carry a corridor,

you haul a hall.

Shopping with your wedge?

You take your maul to the mall.

Buy a fresh wildebeest,

you'll have a gnu that's new.

A plane ride when you were sick?

You flew with the flu.

Poking your teacher politely,

you tacked with tact.

If you toted the agreement,

you packed the pact.

You're tired on a hilltop,

so nap on the knap.

Because of that,

I'll just quickly- wrap up this rap.

Underweight Nate

Underweight Nate

Down by the tracks,

near a rotten log,

I found a poor,

starving puppy dog.

He was sick and scruffy,

I hoped I wasn't too late,

I took him home,

and called him Underweight Nate.

I gave Nate a bath,

and brushed out his fur,

he no longer looked,

like a mangy cur.

I wanted to feed him,

so we went to the kitchen,

I tell ya, for some food,

that boy was itchin'!

I gave him beef stew,

sausage and eggs,

crackers and cheese,

and some turkey legs.

He filled up on bacon,

and a ham bone,

I gave him pasta,

and an ice cream cone.

This went on,

for a month or so,

and now Nate's belly,

was starting to show.

I cared for the health,

of my new little pup,

so I took him to the vet,

for a check-up.

The vet said, "Change her name,

and feed her something leafy."

So it's cabbage and lettuce now...

for Beefy Fifi.

A Place To Play

A Place To Play


It was a place to play,
with trucks and cars,
buckets and boats and mason jars.

We built castles with moats,
and drawbridges,
high atop great mountain ridges.

We would dig deep ditches,
and long tunnels,
then fill with hoses and funnels.

We'd carve out a deep pit,
and fill with brew,
and dance around like witches do.

With some firecrackers,
we could explode,
toy soldiers like a landmine load.

We were not very rich,
but rather poor,
and this can't be bought in a store.

Now as I'm thinking back,
I'm happy still,
cause I grew up... with a dirt hill.

Sock

Sock

Ever get a hole,

in the toe of your sock?

Or in the heel?

It's quite hard to walk.

Your toe gets cold.

Your heel gets sweaty.

To throw that sock away,

you are ready.

But it is certainly,

not very funny,

to waste a whole bunch,

of hard earned money.

You decide to mend it,

to save a dime.

It can't be that hard,

it should take no time.

You pick up a sharp needle,

and some good strong thread,

but by the time you thread it,

you're practically dead!

So you get some yarn,

and two needles to knit it,

after what seems like a year,

you just forget it.

You decide to skip,

all the thread and yarn.

You toss the sock in the trash,

and say, "Darn!"

Uncle Vern

Uncle Vern

They're bushy as a brier,

and bright red as a fire,

sticking out like a sore thumb.

They're strong as a Velcro strap,

in the wind they flop and flap,

which causes an eerie hum.

They're napkins at the table,

or where ever they're able,

to stop each morsel and crumb.

A pirate couldn't grow these,

or a trucker named Louise,

but maybe a tough street bum.

They could be a fishing net,

on this you can surely bet,

you'd catch fewer fish with chum.

You ask:

What are these, pretty please?

We say:

They're Uncle Vern's... side-burns!

Too Soon June

Too Soon June

Before the others,

start to run,

Too Soon June,

always jumps the gun.

Before the others,

sing and shout,

Too Soon June,

blows her candles out.

Before there's a worm,

on her hook,

Too Soon June,

casts out in the brook.

Before her bread,

can even toast,

Too Soon June's

eaten it almost.

Before her shoes,

are on just right,

Too Soon June's,

got them laced up tight.

Before this poem,

can come to age,

Too Soon June's...

turned the page.

It's Dangerous To...

It's Dangerous To...

Everyone knows,

it's dangerous to...

run with scissors,

but it's also true...

Not to dance,

with a toothbrush in your mouth.

Or chase geese,

when they are migrating south.

Do not jog,

on gravel without your shoes.

Or ride bikes,

in church on the backs of pews.

Do not fish,

in a rickety old boat.

Or tease a,

fat, grumpy, old billy goat.

Do not climb,

a tree with rotten branches.

Or play tag,

in barns on run down ranches.

No, don't do these,

not a single one.

Unless of course,

you want to have fun!

A Dreadful Condition

A Dreadful Condition

It happens suddenly,

when you least expect,

kind of like a bit of,

whiplash in the neck.

It's quite painful,

and it will surprise you,

just be glad that,

it won't paralyze you.

It's face wrenching,

like hot mustard spice,

and you feel like,

your head's in a vice.

Ice cream cones, popsicles, milk shakes,

or anything else like these,

can cause the dreadful condition,

simply known as... brain freeze!

My Face

My Face

My dad said to I,

"Son, keep your eyes peeled,

and your chin up high."

Mom said, when I was young,

"Son, open your ears,

and kindly bite your tongue."

My school teacher always said,

"Keep your nose to the grindstone."

and, "Do you have rocks in your head?"

The pastor preached every week,

"Grit your teeth, my boy,

and always turn the other cheek."

With all these folks on my case,

I just want to know...

how I can ever save face.

Fingers Crossed

Fingers Crossed

Cross your fingers,

if you want good luck,

and hope you don't,

get hit by a truck.

Cross your heart,

when you make a vow,

you'll keep your word,

from then 'til now.

Cross your eyes,

and you will see double,

to walk straight,

you will have some trouble.

Cross your legs,

when you really gotta go,

and wave your hand,

so your teacher will know!

SWAT

SWAT

Not a day goes by,

I don't smack spider or fly.

Every mosquito and gnat,

is sure to go splat.

No bee stands a chance,

nor do the ants.

I use a rag or cloth,

to rub out a moth.

I flatten each centipede,

and all earwigs indeed.

It's all part of my scheme,

as a member of... the SWAT team!

Fickle

Fickle

I'm deep in a jar,

but even worse by far,

I'm in a bitter brine.

And it's true indeed,

I'm squished against a seed,

in a light greenish slime.

I have a small hunch,

I could be going crunch,

and I'm not being fickle.

'Cause here comes a kid,

who's taking off the lid...

I'm really in a pickle!  

Cakes

Cakes

Too tall Paul,

always banged his head,

until he ate,

a lot of short bread.

Skinny Minnie,

looked like a garden rake,

until she ate,

a whole bunch of pound cake.

Lovely Linda,

was always in a pleasant mood.

That was because,

she did always eat angel food.

Rotten Ronny,

was always so mean and rude.

That was because,

he always ate devil's food.

Auntie Louise,

likes her tea cake with coffee.

But Uncle Jack,

likes coffee cake with his tea.

For each person,

there are different cakes.

When you find yours...

eat it for goodness sakes!



Rich

Rich

I wiggle and squirm,

like a slippery worm.

I writhe and twist,

like a boy gettin' kissed.

I bend and stretch,

like an acrobat catch.

I reach and wrench,

like avoiding a stench.

Give me a fork or spoon,

I'm dancing like a loon!

Hand me a comb or brush,

and do it in a rush!

Toss me a branch or stick,

and hurry make it quick!

Oh, I'll try to make you rich,

if you'd please- just scratch this itch!



Wishes

Wishes

If wishes were horses,

beggars would ride.

If wishes were blue kites,

children would glide.

If wishes were play grounds,

children would slide.

If wishes were seek games,

children would hide.

If wishes were oceans,

they'd splash the tide.

If wishes were sunshine,

they'd be outside.

But wishes aren't horses,

playgrounds or blue kites,

nor oceans or sunshine,

or seek games at night.

Wishes are inside you,

where no one else can see,

and wishes will make you,

whatever you want to be.

So wish with your whole heart,

and wish with your whole mind,

believe in your wishes,

they'll come true you will find.